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Glee Amazing Race: Eleventh Leg - Finish Line
First chunk: the end of the race! Decided for both first and second places by single votes!
Second chunk: the announcement of the next Survivor!
Strap yourselves in, this goes for a while.
Because this next Survivor season (probably over the winter hiatus?) will have a theme, I chose the tribe members to keep them somewhat balanced based on the challenges I anticipate. (Which, despite what the players might currently think, don't uniformly favor one tribe.) Also, I picked characters based on who would amuse me to write, which was honestly the primary deciding feature.
Holly's Voiceover
"No, seriously, these bikes have no brakes. This is going to be hilarious."
Race to the Finish Line
"These bikes have no brakes," Kurt reads off the card on his bicycle. 'No brakes' is in big bold red letters and is underlined three times. "How can you have a bike with no brakes?" he wonders as he continues reading about the options of skidding them to slow and stop, or pedaling backwards to stop the bike without crashing (hopefully).
"We're taking it slow," Burt declares as they get on and he asks Kurt which direction to go.
"But we're in a race!" Kurt argues as he points south and they head in the general direction of the Williamsburg Bridge.
"Yeah, and there's a red light," Burt counters as they approach an intersection and he prepares to slow his bike and walk it across. Kurt, who already tried to rush forward, nearly falls on his face as he tries desperately to stop. After a flash of fear when he sees his son heading toward a wall of traffic, Burt stomps up to him and gives him a look.
"Okay," Kurt agrees as he rather painfully picks himself up. "We're taking it slow."
Back in the alley, Quinn sighs and tries to not look too annoyed as she waits for Emma to rejoin her. Her annoyance deepens when PTA comes out of the salon—looking ridiculous, to her eyes—grins at the fact that she's still there, and takes off. Finally Emma comes out with jeans on, rather than her pencil skirt. Her jeans, of course, are ironed. "I'm sorry," she says as she straddles the bike.
Quinn starts moving before she answers; she assumes Emma will keep up and she made good use of her forced pause to map out the exact streets on which they would need to turn. "Don't apologize. Make it up to me by winning." That's a coach-y thing to say.
It seems to work. Emma nods and focuses; she still looks abashed, but she has something toward which to direct her efforts rather than just wallowing in the shame of not being able to do the salon task and being improperly dressed for the bike task. Also on Quinn's insistence, they take a short stretch in which to become accustomed to riding the bikes. Despite Sue's general lack of respect for a little thing called 'physical safety,' she does flip a shit when people aren't in position to catch thrown cheerleaders. It's the sort of thing that makes you double-check whether or not you're in control of your body.
(Now, when there's a net responsible for catching a cheerleader thrown out of a cannon, Sue throws all caution to the wind. Probably because she can't yell at a net and so half the fun of the encounter is taken out of the equation.)
Back to Team Inevitable Family Team. Two forces are moving in distinct opposition, like some sort of real-life physics lesson: first, Kurt has a better internal compass for New York than any other biker by far, and so he constantly wants to speed up. Second, the bikes are never going to magically grow brakes, and so he keeps losing time every time he pushes himself just a little too far, can't stop in time through the normal methods, and has to steer himself into a wall like some incompetent ice skater.
Burt's face is becoming increasingly familiar with his palms as their trek continues and he watches his son keep bashing himself into walls. "Will you just slow down?" he demands when he takes in Kurt's rumpled, flustered, and generally beaten-up appearance.
Can't slow down! Winning is one thing; avoiding the appearance of slacking is something else entirely! Must go! Go! Go!
Burt's steadier approach lasts until after they cross the bridge on its marked bike lane. Burt once again tells him to slow down as they return to street traffic, but Kurt can't control his speed and nearly gets smeared across the pavement by a Poland Spring delivery truck. There's a loving close-up of Kurt breathing hard as he tries to face down the terror of having nearly just died, and the large, dark form of his father coming increasingly into focus over his shoulder. "Off the bike," Burt orders.
"What?"
"We're walking."
"But—"
"Off. The. Bike."
With an agonized look at him, Kurt complies. Then he jumps and has to fight down a shriek when another truck roars by, and realizes that perhaps it's for the best.
At least, he thinks that before they're passed by Team PTA. "You know," Carole giggles as she and Shannon pedal past them at a very reasonable speed that never sends them out of control, Kurt, "you're supposed to ride your bikes!" Hee! She just passed Kurt and Burt! Finn's already gone! So long as they don't screw up, she's at least assured to come in first out of her family!
A few blocks later, they realize they've screwed up.
"Wait," Carole says unhappily as she stares at the intersection of Stanton and Allen. "Is this right?"
Shannon looks around and scratches her head. She's not cut out for big cities. It's like trying to put ballet shoes on a pig and send it out to dance the rhumba. "Don't think so," she sighs as she peers over Carole's shoulder at the map. "Which way do we go?"
"Um," Carole says helpfully, because she has absolutely no idea which way is north. "We could ask someone?" she suggests, and approaches a person passing by on the sidewalk. "Hello, could I possibly ask you... okay, no. Hello there! Could I just ask you... oh, come on! Hey! You! Map!" She actually stomps her foot, turns to share her annoyance with Shannon, and then tells her to hold her bicycle while Carole tracks down someone that will actually help them.
What she thinks is going on: a live demonstration of the stereotype of New Yorkers being the rudest people on the planet, gosh.
What is actually going on: a bunch of New Yorkers seeing the feathers in her hair and streaks in Shannon's, and thus steering clear of the middle-aged hipsters. They thought the affliction only affected twenty-somethings! They have to hurry away before it spreads to them!
Cut to a shot of Kurt trying to argue with Burt that they can start riding their bikes again, and Burt saying he'll consider it after another block.
Cut to a shot of Carole getting an answer on her map, taking off with Shannon, and then getting turned around again in their hurry and having to do the whole thing over again.
Cut to a shot of Kurt finally riding, only to immediately take off at unsafe speeds again that nearly result in another accident. Burt looks furious. Kurt looks rumpled and abashed. They are walking again.
Cut to a shot of Carole muttering that she hates this city.
And who has this all opened a door for?
Cut to a shot of Team How Did This Happen following Quinn's directions, which were mapped out because she had that time to find their perfect path rather than taking off at the first possible moment. They never go so quickly that they lose control, and nor do they ever slack in their approach. They are the perfect tortoise to Kurt's kamikaze hare.
(Team PTA is, of course, the panther. Don't you remember the panther in that little story? It was a real classic character.)
Editing begins to flash between the three teams. Flash. Flash. Flash flash flash flash.
And then, a sign that the end is almost near: a cut to Washington Square Park, with the previous teams lined up before the mat.
April and Josh Groban both got the lilac streaks and feathers in their hair (for some reason). Rachel is applauding politely while Blaine just stands there with a placid smile on his face as he clutches his new stuffed giraffe. Shelby and Jesse have French court summons in their back pockets and elbow each other when they think the cameras aren't looking. Will and Terri aren't bothering to wait for good moments in which to elbow each other. Mike and Tina are making out. Jacob is cheering and applauding, but Lauren simply looks pissed off that she didn't make it further. Sam and Mercedes are NOT DATING, OH MY GOD, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT. Sue shoots them a dark look as Figgins claps; she continues to not have time for their shenanigans. Finn and Puck look disappointed that they were knocked out so close to the end, but are cheering like good sports. And so is Brittany.
Santana looks ready to cut a bitch.
God, she hopes Team Mom Jeans takes home the prize out of the options left in the race. At least then it wouldn't be personal.
Holly gets up on her toes as she apparently sees someone approach and points off-screen. The camera holds on her for just long enough to build up the audience's anticipation as to who will be the first two faces to approach the mat, and it reveals...
Quinn and Emma. "Go!" Quinn encourages her as they head toward the mat. Her eyes widen when she realizes that no other teams are standing up there next to Holly. Are they really first? "Go!" she repeats, and her voice begins to strain and twist into fascinating frequencies.
"Oh gosh," Emma repeats to herself as they run. This is all so exciting! The people cheering for her, the finish line, the knowledge that she will soon be home with her own washer and dryer! And no matter what happens, she made it to the end. She faced down her fears and she made it around the world. That's just... neat.
They hop onto the mat and turn expectantly to Holly.
"Quinn and Emma," Holly says. "Otherwise known as Team How Did This Happen, and you know? Seriously. That."
Quinn leans forward. Spit it out, woman!
"You are the official winners of The Amazing Race!"
Emma bounces up and down and starts clapping for herself. Yay, Emma! Yay Emma yay!
Quinn shrieks in raw, unfiltered delight.
Santana glares at the entire world. Oh sure, give the win to Quinn, just like she got back the captain job.
Shannon and Carole soon follow them, and are moderately displeased to hear they didn't win but are also proud of themselves for coming in second. They accept everyone's hugs and congratulations in good spirits.
And finally the cameras see the stern figure of Burt Hummel approaching with his race-battered and rumpled son. (Santana can't even bring herself to be too happy about how he looks. Yes, she did better than Quinn in Survivor, so at least there's that balance. But she obviously couldn't beat Kurt there and he did better than her on Race. Dammit.) They take the mat and Burt immediately says that they're just happy to be there safely, and that is the most important thing, and don't you agree, Kurt?
"Of course, Dad," he half meekly agrees, half grumbles.
Holly asks Quinn and Emma for a quick reaction. It sums up what they've been saying all race: they've proven themselves, they've made up for a terrible year, and they couldn't be happier. The other racers cluster around them for more congratulations and to arrange themselves into the goodbye shot: all lined up on top of the mat, smiling at the camera.
Once in place, Santana pulls out a Sharpie and doodles an embarrassing picture down Kurt's spine. "Ha!" she says as she permanently marks his shirt. "REVENGE!"
"This shirt was ruined anyway," he says with a bewildered look over his shoulder. "I was already planning on throwing it out."
She glowers, and then reaches forward and snatches a tiny purple feather free of his hair. That's the last shot of the season: everyone clustered around the winners with most people cheering, a few still pouting, Kurt clapping his hand to his head over the sharp, sudden pain, and Santana raising her arms to the sky.
It might be a petty victory. She'll still take it.
The episode cuts immediately to a promo for the next season of Survivor, because apparently these are done live at the end of Race seasons, now.
Holly gets handed a card from offscreen and promptly reads it. "This fall or maybe winter, look for Survivor: Australia: Absolutely Everything Is Trying To Kill You." She sees everyone's sidelong looks and shows them the card. "No, really, that's the title." Well, she guesses they already used up "The Australian Outback" on a season. This is probably just marketing fluff to make it sound intense.
(Thousands of miles away: a dingo, saltwater crocodile, funnel-web spider, and box jellyfish laugh at her naivete, and then high five. The first three promptly drop over dead from contact with the jellyfish's tentacles.)
Holly continues, "They apparently want to spice things up a little, so they're theming the tribes for next season: men versus women."
Puck smirks. He can't help himself. He's better than he used to be, but this is just too obvious. "So where are they gonna put Kurt?" Then he doubles over as Kurt's fist impacts his stomach. "Wow," Puck wheezes. "You've been working out."
"He'll be host—"
"YES!" Kurt yells to the sky and drops to his knees. It was worth it! Everything he did on the race was worth it! He gets to return to his life of hedonism, high pay, and absolutely no accountability!
"...ing." Holly clears her throat. "And as per our lawyer's advice, his dad will be in the hotel with him for oversight, rather than competing."
Burt smiles oh-so-pleasantly at Kurt. Kurt processes that he will probably not be able to get drunk again and his enthusiasm diminishes somewhat. He is the face of a multimillion dollar franchise spanning a decade and his dad is chaperoning him?
"Carole," Holly adds, "you can come too."
Kurt drops his head into his hands.
Holly turns. "Blaine, our lawyer also said that we don't want a lawsuit on our hands if you snap and start killing everyone on the beach." He blinks at her; that seems moderately unlikely to happen, so long as he can take his stuffed giraffe as his luxury item. (Its name is Archibald.) "So we're assigning you to be the camp counselor for the pre-jury bootees camp."
His eyes light up. "Camp counselor?"
"You know: lead people in song, put on ridiculous skits, be cheerful."
He can so do that.
Holly turns again. "And we needed someone for the Ponderosa camp counselor, so we'll go with, uh... Tina. You were a camp counselor before, right?"
Tina stares flatly at her. "Yeah, for Asian camp." She doesn't know how to be a counselor without a theme!
Holly looks her over, shrugs, and says, "So turn it into goth camp."
Hmm. That'll work.
"Anyway, time to get to the tribes!" Holly starts announcing male names first. "Finn! Puck!" Team Dudebro nods solemnly at each other and fistbumps. Their efforts shall continue on the same team; awesome. "Sam! Mike! Will!" Wow, this is one helluva athletic team they're putting together. Four football players who already played Survivor, and then a newcomer to the show but one who's in killer shape? The guys all grin at each other and begin passing around more fistbumps. They are so going to beat those chicks!
"Assuming we can get the legal situation in France straightened out, Jesse!"
Finn's smile dims. Jesse, in return, simply smiiiiiiles at him.
"Principal Figgins!" Uh, okay. So they have a killer physical core and then a couple of pieces of dead weight. That's okay.
"Jacob!" Ew. Gross.
Will sees someone approaching across the plaza and stares at Holly in disbelief. "You can't be serio—"
"Howard Bamboo!"
"They told me I had to go to New York or I'd be fired," Howard Bamboo says as he turns around and takes everything in with an air of distinct confusion. "Why are there cameras?"
Now Sue's the one to get a 'oh hell no' expression as the last man joins them, but then it sharpens into resolve. She will of course be on the women's team, and so she will look forward to defeating...
"Rod Remington!"
Rod kisses his suit-clad biceps. "I wasn't sure whether I should accept the offer when CBS approached me," he smarms, "but then I realized that I owed it to America to share myself with a larger population than a four-country audience. After all, my tiger tattoos mean that I'm hash mark winning."
One: he apparently thinks you say the name of the symbol in a Twitter tag. Two: oh god, he's a Charlie Sheen fan.
The women in the audience exchange wary glances. The four football players plus Will is more raw athleticism than they will ever be able to muster. On the upside, those are some pretty pathetic guys rounding out the second half of the tribe.
"And to start the women's tribe," Holly continues, "we'll begin with... me!" She holds up her arms and begins swinging her hips from side to side. "Beach party, uh huh uh huh, we're gonna turn this sucker out!" She doesn't notice Kurt smiling at her. Oh, revenge will be delicious, assuming he's not stymied like Santana's been during Survivor and Race.
Holly finally regains her focus and continues, "Rachel! Mercedes!" Um, okay, so they're not exactly striking fear into the hearts of the guys right now. "Lauren! Shannon!" Oh thank god. "Quinn, Brittany, Santana!" Obviously. Still, they might be athletic but they're tiny. Hrm, again with the lack of immediate fear for the menfolk. "Sue!" That name strikes fear into everyone's heart, so it's kind of a wash. "And Shelby!"
"Wow," Shelby says as she looks between Quinn and Rachel and realizes that she won't just be occasionally encountering them on a trip around the world, but she will be living with them for potentially weeks. "This'll be awkward."
"Nah," Holly says cheerfully and throws her arm around Shelby's shoulder. She squeezes it; Shelby side-eyes her with clear distaste. Ew, why are you so chipper? "It'll be awesome!" She releases Shelby to turn to the camera and say, "So tune in later this year for Survivor: Australia: Absolutely Everything Is—"
Then she's sent flying off camera. The audience soon sees that Kurt actually hipchecked her out of the way. "—Trying To Kill You!" he finishes with a huge, beaming smile. "Here! On CBS!"
"Why am I here?" asks Howard Bamboo. "What's Survivor?"
Second chunk: the announcement of the next Survivor!
Strap yourselves in, this goes for a while.
Because this next Survivor season (probably over the winter hiatus?) will have a theme, I chose the tribe members to keep them somewhat balanced based on the challenges I anticipate. (Which, despite what the players might currently think, don't uniformly favor one tribe.) Also, I picked characters based on who would amuse me to write, which was honestly the primary deciding feature.
Holly's Voiceover
"No, seriously, these bikes have no brakes. This is going to be hilarious."
Race to the Finish Line
"These bikes have no brakes," Kurt reads off the card on his bicycle. 'No brakes' is in big bold red letters and is underlined three times. "How can you have a bike with no brakes?" he wonders as he continues reading about the options of skidding them to slow and stop, or pedaling backwards to stop the bike without crashing (hopefully).
"We're taking it slow," Burt declares as they get on and he asks Kurt which direction to go.
"But we're in a race!" Kurt argues as he points south and they head in the general direction of the Williamsburg Bridge.
"Yeah, and there's a red light," Burt counters as they approach an intersection and he prepares to slow his bike and walk it across. Kurt, who already tried to rush forward, nearly falls on his face as he tries desperately to stop. After a flash of fear when he sees his son heading toward a wall of traffic, Burt stomps up to him and gives him a look.
"Okay," Kurt agrees as he rather painfully picks himself up. "We're taking it slow."
Back in the alley, Quinn sighs and tries to not look too annoyed as she waits for Emma to rejoin her. Her annoyance deepens when PTA comes out of the salon—looking ridiculous, to her eyes—grins at the fact that she's still there, and takes off. Finally Emma comes out with jeans on, rather than her pencil skirt. Her jeans, of course, are ironed. "I'm sorry," she says as she straddles the bike.
Quinn starts moving before she answers; she assumes Emma will keep up and she made good use of her forced pause to map out the exact streets on which they would need to turn. "Don't apologize. Make it up to me by winning." That's a coach-y thing to say.
It seems to work. Emma nods and focuses; she still looks abashed, but she has something toward which to direct her efforts rather than just wallowing in the shame of not being able to do the salon task and being improperly dressed for the bike task. Also on Quinn's insistence, they take a short stretch in which to become accustomed to riding the bikes. Despite Sue's general lack of respect for a little thing called 'physical safety,' she does flip a shit when people aren't in position to catch thrown cheerleaders. It's the sort of thing that makes you double-check whether or not you're in control of your body.
(Now, when there's a net responsible for catching a cheerleader thrown out of a cannon, Sue throws all caution to the wind. Probably because she can't yell at a net and so half the fun of the encounter is taken out of the equation.)
Back to Team Inevitable Family Team. Two forces are moving in distinct opposition, like some sort of real-life physics lesson: first, Kurt has a better internal compass for New York than any other biker by far, and so he constantly wants to speed up. Second, the bikes are never going to magically grow brakes, and so he keeps losing time every time he pushes himself just a little too far, can't stop in time through the normal methods, and has to steer himself into a wall like some incompetent ice skater.
Burt's face is becoming increasingly familiar with his palms as their trek continues and he watches his son keep bashing himself into walls. "Will you just slow down?" he demands when he takes in Kurt's rumpled, flustered, and generally beaten-up appearance.
Can't slow down! Winning is one thing; avoiding the appearance of slacking is something else entirely! Must go! Go! Go!
Burt's steadier approach lasts until after they cross the bridge on its marked bike lane. Burt once again tells him to slow down as they return to street traffic, but Kurt can't control his speed and nearly gets smeared across the pavement by a Poland Spring delivery truck. There's a loving close-up of Kurt breathing hard as he tries to face down the terror of having nearly just died, and the large, dark form of his father coming increasingly into focus over his shoulder. "Off the bike," Burt orders.
"What?"
"We're walking."
"But—"
"Off. The. Bike."
With an agonized look at him, Kurt complies. Then he jumps and has to fight down a shriek when another truck roars by, and realizes that perhaps it's for the best.
At least, he thinks that before they're passed by Team PTA. "You know," Carole giggles as she and Shannon pedal past them at a very reasonable speed that never sends them out of control, Kurt, "you're supposed to ride your bikes!" Hee! She just passed Kurt and Burt! Finn's already gone! So long as they don't screw up, she's at least assured to come in first out of her family!
A few blocks later, they realize they've screwed up.
"Wait," Carole says unhappily as she stares at the intersection of Stanton and Allen. "Is this right?"
Shannon looks around and scratches her head. She's not cut out for big cities. It's like trying to put ballet shoes on a pig and send it out to dance the rhumba. "Don't think so," she sighs as she peers over Carole's shoulder at the map. "Which way do we go?"
"Um," Carole says helpfully, because she has absolutely no idea which way is north. "We could ask someone?" she suggests, and approaches a person passing by on the sidewalk. "Hello, could I possibly ask you... okay, no. Hello there! Could I just ask you... oh, come on! Hey! You! Map!" She actually stomps her foot, turns to share her annoyance with Shannon, and then tells her to hold her bicycle while Carole tracks down someone that will actually help them.
What she thinks is going on: a live demonstration of the stereotype of New Yorkers being the rudest people on the planet, gosh.
What is actually going on: a bunch of New Yorkers seeing the feathers in her hair and streaks in Shannon's, and thus steering clear of the middle-aged hipsters. They thought the affliction only affected twenty-somethings! They have to hurry away before it spreads to them!
Cut to a shot of Kurt trying to argue with Burt that they can start riding their bikes again, and Burt saying he'll consider it after another block.
Cut to a shot of Carole getting an answer on her map, taking off with Shannon, and then getting turned around again in their hurry and having to do the whole thing over again.
Cut to a shot of Kurt finally riding, only to immediately take off at unsafe speeds again that nearly result in another accident. Burt looks furious. Kurt looks rumpled and abashed. They are walking again.
Cut to a shot of Carole muttering that she hates this city.
And who has this all opened a door for?
Cut to a shot of Team How Did This Happen following Quinn's directions, which were mapped out because she had that time to find their perfect path rather than taking off at the first possible moment. They never go so quickly that they lose control, and nor do they ever slack in their approach. They are the perfect tortoise to Kurt's kamikaze hare.
(Team PTA is, of course, the panther. Don't you remember the panther in that little story? It was a real classic character.)
Editing begins to flash between the three teams. Flash. Flash. Flash flash flash flash.
And then, a sign that the end is almost near: a cut to Washington Square Park, with the previous teams lined up before the mat.
April and Josh Groban both got the lilac streaks and feathers in their hair (for some reason). Rachel is applauding politely while Blaine just stands there with a placid smile on his face as he clutches his new stuffed giraffe. Shelby and Jesse have French court summons in their back pockets and elbow each other when they think the cameras aren't looking. Will and Terri aren't bothering to wait for good moments in which to elbow each other. Mike and Tina are making out. Jacob is cheering and applauding, but Lauren simply looks pissed off that she didn't make it further. Sam and Mercedes are NOT DATING, OH MY GOD, WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT. Sue shoots them a dark look as Figgins claps; she continues to not have time for their shenanigans. Finn and Puck look disappointed that they were knocked out so close to the end, but are cheering like good sports. And so is Brittany.
Santana looks ready to cut a bitch.
God, she hopes Team Mom Jeans takes home the prize out of the options left in the race. At least then it wouldn't be personal.
Holly gets up on her toes as she apparently sees someone approach and points off-screen. The camera holds on her for just long enough to build up the audience's anticipation as to who will be the first two faces to approach the mat, and it reveals...
Quinn and Emma. "Go!" Quinn encourages her as they head toward the mat. Her eyes widen when she realizes that no other teams are standing up there next to Holly. Are they really first? "Go!" she repeats, and her voice begins to strain and twist into fascinating frequencies.
"Oh gosh," Emma repeats to herself as they run. This is all so exciting! The people cheering for her, the finish line, the knowledge that she will soon be home with her own washer and dryer! And no matter what happens, she made it to the end. She faced down her fears and she made it around the world. That's just... neat.
They hop onto the mat and turn expectantly to Holly.
"Quinn and Emma," Holly says. "Otherwise known as Team How Did This Happen, and you know? Seriously. That."
Quinn leans forward. Spit it out, woman!
"You are the official winners of The Amazing Race!"
Emma bounces up and down and starts clapping for herself. Yay, Emma! Yay Emma yay!
Quinn shrieks in raw, unfiltered delight.
Santana glares at the entire world. Oh sure, give the win to Quinn, just like she got back the captain job.
Shannon and Carole soon follow them, and are moderately displeased to hear they didn't win but are also proud of themselves for coming in second. They accept everyone's hugs and congratulations in good spirits.
And finally the cameras see the stern figure of Burt Hummel approaching with his race-battered and rumpled son. (Santana can't even bring herself to be too happy about how he looks. Yes, she did better than Quinn in Survivor, so at least there's that balance. But she obviously couldn't beat Kurt there and he did better than her on Race. Dammit.) They take the mat and Burt immediately says that they're just happy to be there safely, and that is the most important thing, and don't you agree, Kurt?
"Of course, Dad," he half meekly agrees, half grumbles.
Holly asks Quinn and Emma for a quick reaction. It sums up what they've been saying all race: they've proven themselves, they've made up for a terrible year, and they couldn't be happier. The other racers cluster around them for more congratulations and to arrange themselves into the goodbye shot: all lined up on top of the mat, smiling at the camera.
Once in place, Santana pulls out a Sharpie and doodles an embarrassing picture down Kurt's spine. "Ha!" she says as she permanently marks his shirt. "REVENGE!"
"This shirt was ruined anyway," he says with a bewildered look over his shoulder. "I was already planning on throwing it out."
She glowers, and then reaches forward and snatches a tiny purple feather free of his hair. That's the last shot of the season: everyone clustered around the winners with most people cheering, a few still pouting, Kurt clapping his hand to his head over the sharp, sudden pain, and Santana raising her arms to the sky.
It might be a petty victory. She'll still take it.
The episode cuts immediately to a promo for the next season of Survivor, because apparently these are done live at the end of Race seasons, now.
Holly gets handed a card from offscreen and promptly reads it. "This fall or maybe winter, look for Survivor: Australia: Absolutely Everything Is Trying To Kill You." She sees everyone's sidelong looks and shows them the card. "No, really, that's the title." Well, she guesses they already used up "The Australian Outback" on a season. This is probably just marketing fluff to make it sound intense.
(Thousands of miles away: a dingo, saltwater crocodile, funnel-web spider, and box jellyfish laugh at her naivete, and then high five. The first three promptly drop over dead from contact with the jellyfish's tentacles.)
Holly continues, "They apparently want to spice things up a little, so they're theming the tribes for next season: men versus women."
Puck smirks. He can't help himself. He's better than he used to be, but this is just too obvious. "So where are they gonna put Kurt?" Then he doubles over as Kurt's fist impacts his stomach. "Wow," Puck wheezes. "You've been working out."
"He'll be host—"
"YES!" Kurt yells to the sky and drops to his knees. It was worth it! Everything he did on the race was worth it! He gets to return to his life of hedonism, high pay, and absolutely no accountability!
"...ing." Holly clears her throat. "And as per our lawyer's advice, his dad will be in the hotel with him for oversight, rather than competing."
Burt smiles oh-so-pleasantly at Kurt. Kurt processes that he will probably not be able to get drunk again and his enthusiasm diminishes somewhat. He is the face of a multimillion dollar franchise spanning a decade and his dad is chaperoning him?
"Carole," Holly adds, "you can come too."
Kurt drops his head into his hands.
Holly turns. "Blaine, our lawyer also said that we don't want a lawsuit on our hands if you snap and start killing everyone on the beach." He blinks at her; that seems moderately unlikely to happen, so long as he can take his stuffed giraffe as his luxury item. (Its name is Archibald.) "So we're assigning you to be the camp counselor for the pre-jury bootees camp."
His eyes light up. "Camp counselor?"
"You know: lead people in song, put on ridiculous skits, be cheerful."
He can so do that.
Holly turns again. "And we needed someone for the Ponderosa camp counselor, so we'll go with, uh... Tina. You were a camp counselor before, right?"
Tina stares flatly at her. "Yeah, for Asian camp." She doesn't know how to be a counselor without a theme!
Holly looks her over, shrugs, and says, "So turn it into goth camp."
Hmm. That'll work.
"Anyway, time to get to the tribes!" Holly starts announcing male names first. "Finn! Puck!" Team Dudebro nods solemnly at each other and fistbumps. Their efforts shall continue on the same team; awesome. "Sam! Mike! Will!" Wow, this is one helluva athletic team they're putting together. Four football players who already played Survivor, and then a newcomer to the show but one who's in killer shape? The guys all grin at each other and begin passing around more fistbumps. They are so going to beat those chicks!
"Assuming we can get the legal situation in France straightened out, Jesse!"
Finn's smile dims. Jesse, in return, simply smiiiiiiles at him.
"Principal Figgins!" Uh, okay. So they have a killer physical core and then a couple of pieces of dead weight. That's okay.
"Jacob!" Ew. Gross.
Will sees someone approaching across the plaza and stares at Holly in disbelief. "You can't be serio—"
"Howard Bamboo!"
"They told me I had to go to New York or I'd be fired," Howard Bamboo says as he turns around and takes everything in with an air of distinct confusion. "Why are there cameras?"
Now Sue's the one to get a 'oh hell no' expression as the last man joins them, but then it sharpens into resolve. She will of course be on the women's team, and so she will look forward to defeating...
"Rod Remington!"
Rod kisses his suit-clad biceps. "I wasn't sure whether I should accept the offer when CBS approached me," he smarms, "but then I realized that I owed it to America to share myself with a larger population than a four-country audience. After all, my tiger tattoos mean that I'm hash mark winning."
One: he apparently thinks you say the name of the symbol in a Twitter tag. Two: oh god, he's a Charlie Sheen fan.
The women in the audience exchange wary glances. The four football players plus Will is more raw athleticism than they will ever be able to muster. On the upside, those are some pretty pathetic guys rounding out the second half of the tribe.
"And to start the women's tribe," Holly continues, "we'll begin with... me!" She holds up her arms and begins swinging her hips from side to side. "Beach party, uh huh uh huh, we're gonna turn this sucker out!" She doesn't notice Kurt smiling at her. Oh, revenge will be delicious, assuming he's not stymied like Santana's been during Survivor and Race.
Holly finally regains her focus and continues, "Rachel! Mercedes!" Um, okay, so they're not exactly striking fear into the hearts of the guys right now. "Lauren! Shannon!" Oh thank god. "Quinn, Brittany, Santana!" Obviously. Still, they might be athletic but they're tiny. Hrm, again with the lack of immediate fear for the menfolk. "Sue!" That name strikes fear into everyone's heart, so it's kind of a wash. "And Shelby!"
"Wow," Shelby says as she looks between Quinn and Rachel and realizes that she won't just be occasionally encountering them on a trip around the world, but she will be living with them for potentially weeks. "This'll be awkward."
"Nah," Holly says cheerfully and throws her arm around Shelby's shoulder. She squeezes it; Shelby side-eyes her with clear distaste. Ew, why are you so chipper? "It'll be awesome!" She releases Shelby to turn to the camera and say, "So tune in later this year for Survivor: Australia: Absolutely Everything Is—"
Then she's sent flying off camera. The audience soon sees that Kurt actually hipchecked her out of the way. "—Trying To Kill You!" he finishes with a huge, beaming smile. "Here! On CBS!"
"Why am I here?" asks Howard Bamboo. "What's Survivor?"